On a package of Gü "cheeky choc & liquid caramel pots", the serving suggestion reads:

1. Remove lid. Admire. Anticipate.

2. With the pot in one hand and a spoon in the other, dig with one clean, firm stroke to the bottom.

Hmmm...

July 3, 2008 at 07:39 Comments (6)

Sorry I haven't written much lately. I've been a little distracted. Herr Ludwig has been visiting and there was much striking of bottoms with canes. (Sitzt du gemütlich, Liebling?)

He loves to mock my German, but at least I know what number comes after 27. I really should have started over, but I was feeling uncharacteristically generous that day. You'll see for yourself in a few days, though I anticipate many excuses from the Bavarian brat. Video transfer broken, computer crashed, that sort of thing. Just you wait. But Herr Hubris is about to find out what it's like to stand in the village stocks for all to see. Rotten tomatoes at the ready - Feuer frei!

I can't gloat too much, though. It's not as if my own bottom escaped unscathed. Some of the proof may even find its way onto YouTube.

The German lessons were a little more advanced this time. At one point I was bent over a boulder, being spanked whilst shouting, "Mein Luftkissenfahrtzeug ist volle Aale!" I was half hoping some German tourists would happen by and wonder why a hovercraft full of eels should be a spankable offence. I also learned how to say "Honey, can you pass me the chainsaw? I want to cut my toes off". (Since you may need this useful phrase one day, it's: "Schatz, kannst du mir die Kettensäge geben? Ich will meine Ziehen abhacken.")

Then there was Hadrian's Wall, where we attempted a sword-and-sandals epic in Latin. Alas, the authenticity was somewhat lacking, as I was all out of woad that day and Ludwig's jeans didn't look all that Roman. That and neither of us could speak Latin.

Oh, but I can kill bats with an egg-spoon. Or at least claim to: "Ich kann mit einem Eierlöffel Fledermäuse töten." I'm totally going to go up to some random person in Cologne next month and say that. Or just mutter it loudly to myself over and over on the train.

There's more to tell, of course, but I'll wait for the counterstrike. I think Clausewitz was right, though: No military plan survives initial contact with the enemy. What do you think, Herr Wahnsinnige König?

June 30, 2008 at 13:06 Comments (19)

No, I never imagined I'd be saying that either. But I have been nominated for Writer of the Year in the Erotic Awards.

(For those who don't know, the nomination is for Dances with Werewolves, my erotic memoir. It's the story of my journey of discovery in understanding and accepting my sexuality and my life in the world of fetish films and modelling. You can read an excerpt here.)

The awards ceremony is called Night of the Senses and it's held in London on 12 September. I'll be there for sure, so wish me luck!

It's all for a good cause too: the organisation raises funds for Outsiders, the charity that helps disabled people find partners.

June 27, 2008 at 07:58 Comments (18)

Did you know that I can count to 30? In German? I can prove it.

Mad king Ludwig has drawn first blood by posting the evidence. And Lupus Pictures have kindly hosted it on their servers.

But **rubs hands together** the favour will be returned soon. Heh heh heh...

June 25, 2008 at 16:39 Comments (4)

Here's me checking out the marks after a caning from the London Tanner. Stockings and heels per his request - I'm such a good girl. (So why did I still get caned???)

Gotta go dust off the canes now.
I'm having an old friend for dinner...

June 24, 2008 at 06:07 Comments (8)